Check in early. Stay hydrated. Bring hand sanitizer. Consolidate credit card and hotel points. Thanks Points Guy or USA Today; should I be taking notes?
Simply put, there’s nothing glamorous or exciting about commercial air travel, especially domestically in the US. Although sitting between a Lager Lout and a ginger Scouse on an EasyJet flight from Luton Airport to Barcelona is hardly any better — except that you end up in Barcelona, instead of in Cleveland.
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So I thought I’d share with you the accumulated wisdom of my years spent traversing the globe — a definitive guide to making air travel palatable for you and those around you:
- Don’t fly an airline where your checked bags might cost more than your seat.
- No first-class selfies.
- Only use Frequent Flyer miles for upgrades or international flights.
- Wear TSA-friendly shoes. If you show up to airport security in Converse high tops, you’re an asshole.
- If they have Wi-Fi, don’t use it. You’ll end up doing exactly what you do at your desk. Watch a movie. Read a book. Tune out and shut off.
- If you have checked baggage, when you land, stop at a bar and have a drink on your way to baggage claim.
- Unless you are flying first class internationally, never eat the food, period.
- If the flight is less than four hours and you have to take a dump, you’re an idiot.
- If you get stuck with a middle seat, take the next flight.
- If you are afraid of flying, listen to Britney Spears on takeoff. No one is destined to die like that.
- If you bring a favorite pillow from home, I’m assuming you had an abortion in high school.
- Pre-gaming with Bloody Mary’s sounds awesome, but the sodium is a killer at high altitude.
- Be nice to the stewardess; she got drunk and passed out at the Midway Hotel in Newark last night.
- Take advantage of the #1 rule of air travel: no matter what time it is, it’s always acceptable to drink.
- If there is a male steward, always keep your seat belt buckled. You don’t want him with his hands in your lap when you are passed out before landing.
- I already have enough friends, don’t talk to me. And I don’t want your business card either.
- Unless it’s to a remote island, the word “Connection” should not appear on your itinerary.
- Have the stewardess fill up the water glass with wine too, or just ask her for two glasses. You’ll be doing her a favor.
- Never drive yourself to the airport when your flight is over two hours. Odds are, you’ll be getting off the return flight smashed.
- When flying internationally, befriend one of the male stewards. They know the best clubs and how to get drugs.
- When you squeeze by me, don’t give me “the ass” or “the crouch”; just don’t get up. If you must, allow me time to move into the aisle to make way for you.
- Louis Vuitton in Economy class. No matter how you look at it, your priorities are screwed up.
- The easiest way to figure out if a girl is marriage material is if she brings a hairdryer in her suitcase. You know she’s never seen the inside of a Four Seasons.
- Don’t Facebook check-in at the American Express Centurion lounge. Willy Loman gets lounge access today.
- Sorry HTO, ACK, and MVY, if it’s got propellers, it doesn’t count as a private plane.
- Spare change should never be the reason for holding up the security line. Just don’t keep change, period.
- The exit row is first-class for poor people.
- Don’t ask me to switch seats with you, unless you are offering me a better seat.
- Don’t leave home without Ciprofloxacin… and Ambien, Xanax, and Klonopin.
John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator, the founder of a fashion line that hates statement socks, and the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals, currently in development as a major motion picture.